What I really want to do is go a little further and be straight up and honest about our lives. I can't possibly curate a perfect looking Instagram profile, pretend my house is always clean, or pretend I have my shit together. There is so much that I don't know that I feel compelled to admit this, put myself out there, and guess along with the rest of you. Letting go of those areas of 'striving' gives me full permission to share what is really true and opens up doors for my writing to be a place of openness and honesty about my real life.
The foundation of yoga is built on purity, connection and cleanliness in both body and mind, so it only makes sense that in today's consumer-driven, Amazon Prime using, access-to-everything-thanks-to-the-internet world, this culture is even easier to push.
Ever since June could sit and play independently, she's loved books. I'll spare you the actual number of board books we have in our home (let's just say...I could have a board book only garage sale some day...). It's the one thing I can't get enough of and I don't mind 'spoiling' her with, because I know it's so good for her brain!
I knew when I rolled up my at after that dreary practice at end of 2017 that I needed to re-establish my love for yoga. This time I "meant it". So many times I had intended to make a regular practice a reality but had gotten distracted, fallen off, and in my feelings of defeat, decided I'd just "do it later". I decided a 30 Day Yoga Challenge would keep me accountable.
My pre-baby stay-at-home-mama (SAHM) daydream definitely included most everything that makes up our daily routine (thanks, years of babysitting) - but what wasn't part of that daydream was the heavy reliance and use of technology in today's day-to-day life.
Brene Brown said it best in her TED talk about shame: "Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we’re supposed to be. And it’s a straight-jacket." I'm feeling these words, big time. Postpartum, who am I supposed to be? What size should I be? What size should my baby be to fit the norm?
If I'm being totally honest and transparent, this diagnosis shook me up - big time. I was not, and sometimes still, am not doing well with it. Both severe vomiting episodes were in response to foods she had eaten several times in the past successfully (common of FPIES), so I was left with 100 questions - will the next 'safe' food she eats trigger her?
Preparing to teach a yoga class used to consist of unlimited time to play on my mat, creating sequences and exploring transitions that were fun, challenging but do-able, and most of the time, different every class.
Goals to increase physical health are all fine and good, but what if we took it a step back (or forward, depending how you look at it) and decided to set resolutions that focused on your mental health instead?
Part of the beauty in all of this was having the flexibility to make our doula experience what we wanted it to be. We were in the drivers seat the whole time, with unwavering encouragement no matter what it was we were going for. This, alone, is a reason to have a doula.
I found out at the beginning of February that my husband and I are expecting! With this exciting and fabulous news, I continued on - I charged through the first trimester exhaustion and managed to pull off the February and March events with barely any hiccups
I never realized that I was a people-pleaser until about a year and a half ago when someone very near and dear to me mentioned in a totally sweet, completely loving way that they noticed I was always "rising" to try to be who others wanted me to be.
In three years time, I've questioned everything, felt all the feelings, wondered "why", and felt like quitting. I've held myself in comparison, told myself all the stories, questioned who I am, and sat with defeat.
And so, it goes. Frustration, irritability, feelings of exhaustion and defeat, negative inner chatter, and snappy outer chatter overcome me like they do you. And, like you, I'm not always able to tap into that zenned out post-yoga bliss state of mind (hopefully that isn't too surprising to you...)